How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
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Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.