I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
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MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
RT if you could go either way.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct