Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
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The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational