When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
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Is fructose made with real fruct?
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace