there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter