I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
You Might Also Like
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Breaking news:
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.