Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
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@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.