[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
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What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Sign of the day..
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.