I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
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You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.