He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
You Might Also Like
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo