[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
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Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.