Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
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I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Best table by far
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
My typo game is string.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom