Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
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jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009: