Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
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Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.