The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
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[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire