Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
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What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo