The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
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Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Pretty much! 😂👀
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.