“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
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My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*