Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
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I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share