*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
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I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
the noise i just made
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it