She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
never ask a starfish for directions
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.