Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
You Might Also Like
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.