The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Baking is just science you can eat.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.