If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
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Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
the clam before the storm
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.