Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
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What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?