I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Said the murderer.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
he’s doing your taxes
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”