Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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cat vs inanimate object
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.