hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
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You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
The honesty is refreshing
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.