My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
You Might Also Like
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure