Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
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Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.