To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
You Might Also Like
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula