Who knew!
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.