foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
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Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.