“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
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The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.