I’d use my best pan on you.
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Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Bloody internet 😳
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”