Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
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Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.