Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
A woman drives into a bar.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU