I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”