cry laughing at this shit
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drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.