I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
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You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting