*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Does this dress make me look cat?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again