Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”