A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
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If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
what the
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that