birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
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Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?