Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
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Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Check out the legs on this baby
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?