Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
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*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Owl Sanctuary
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.