KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
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[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I found your tweet-up…
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”