10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
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Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids