A bunch of bras is called a support group.
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“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.