American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
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waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
*puts cutlery down*
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.